How does this Affect Your Life?

Without boundaries we are not teaching people to respect our personal space. This leads to people not respecting us as we seem to have no boundaries they should not cross.

This picture is of Dolly when she first moved into our last yard.

She felt safe because she had watched me move all  her things and had seen her new stable. She understood this was her new home. She went into her paddock and saw her new neighbour, She went over to say hello and there was an obvious physical boundary. Dolly respected that but she also respected the other horses space and after an initial greeting here they are.  Standing together and yet both in their own space, looking at something of mutual interest.

OK. So what are personal boundaries and why am I going on about them so much?

We have a natural sense of our own space and we have all had that time when someone gets too close or leans across us and we feel uncomfortable. This is someone stepping over our physical boundary. We feel it and we don't like it.

Sometimes we will automatically defend our boundaries by moving back to increase the space between us, and yet sometimes we will stop ourselves reacting like that because we feel it is impolite. We let people step over our physical boundaries without actually saying anything, because we don't think we should. When really our whole body is telling us not to let this happen.

Emotional boundaries are even harder to defend.

When someone

in the same way we do nothing about people who step over our emotional boundaries because we think it is rude to speak up, or we don't want to offend people.

When someone asks you to do something for them which you do not really want to do, or at an inconvenient time, we may just say "yes." because we think we ought to help them and don't want to feel mean. Then later when we are reorganising our own lives we wonder why we didn't say "no."

 Our loved ones, our bosses and our acquaintances may all do this to us and we accept it. We get used to it and we adapt to it, but are we really happy with it?





Don't get me wrong. We all interact with people every day and these boundaries may not be the same for everyone. We don't mind family hugging and kissing us but maybe we don't like friends doing the same.

What we don't realize is that if we don't know where our boundaries are, how on earth can those around us and how can they respect them.

We need to understand where our boundaries are, then we need to let people know gently what and where those boundaries are. If we don't tell people in some way that they are over stepping our boundary, how can they know?

If a boss or loved one continually makes a request that you comply with but hate, have you ever explained that you hate it, or has it just become a way of life? If you hear people say around you "Oh he/she will do it, they won't mind" and they are talking about you, do you find yourself thinking " I do mind but I suppose I will"? Have you ever told those people that actually you do mind? Have you ever tried saying " sorry I will not be able to do that"? You need to set boundaries so that other people know where they stand.

This makes you a leader in your own life. When people understand your boundaries they will respect them as long as you are consistent with each boundary.

If you then find people think you don't mind or pretend not to realise they upset you when they step over your boundaries. These people usually only want you when they want something, these people will walk all over your feelings to satisfy their own needs. You don't need theses people in your life.

Well this is a lot easier than you think. Now you understand what they are and why you need them, all you have to do is recognize them and when something makes you uncomfortable, speak up.

Say something like, "please don't do that" or "I am not comfortable with that can we do this differently" You don't have to be angry, cross or over emotional to push people behind your boundary. Quite often the act of just saying you don't like what they are doing will surprise them and make them retreat and even apologise.

This is the calm authority that Dolly taught me. Speak up in a clear but firm way. Know you are right in defending yourself this way but be gentle while people get used to the idea. This is a big change for them to understand

When you defend your boundaries for the first time, especially if it is one that has not been there before, then you will need to be careful how you do it. The people will wonder what has happened to you because you have never done this before They may try to persuade you to drop your boundary because that is beneficial to them. If you defend it aggressively it could be put down to you "having a bad day " This is all very natural on their part because you have just shifted their reality. Their perception of you is now changing and they probably don't like it because it makes them uncomfortable.

Now you are starting to recognize who you are people around you will start to divide into two groups.

Group one are interested in why you are changing Support you in what you want to do even if they do not understand it Tell you to "go for it" and encourage you when things are not easy.

Group two tell you to stop being stupid. They want you to stay as you were. They will disrespect your need to change and try to hinder any progress you make.

Group one are super and nothing more need be said about them.

Group two however need more thought. With group two people you need to understand the motives behind their behaviour. It could be plain and simple that your changes frighten them. As I said before you have shifted their sense of reality. Quiet , pliable little you, amiable to everything and anything has now started saying "no". They may start to feel insecure that if you change you may no longer have things in common and they will lose you. If these are people you love and want to be with, then you may have to spend time explaining why you need to do this and what the outcome will be. They will find it hard, but if they love you, with time and reassurance these people will slowly move into group one.

Other people may be driven by their own needs and selfishness then you may need to think about not wanting them in your life at all. Which is a very hard part to deal with. Depending on your relationship with these people, and your new inner strength, this may be a sudden departure or a gradual fading away. However I will warn you now to be very careful, if you are dealing with a person who is controlling and has a strong hold on you, they may feel your changes are a threat to their security. If you feel at any point that they may become violent. please do not put yourself in danger. Get outside help from agencies that deal with these problems and if necessary, the police.

Only you can know the situation you are in and only you can make the right decisions about your safety but please take care of yourself and how you deal with these situations but know that you need to be free of these kind of people.

This web site is designed to help you grow not get yourself hurt so I must repeat If you feel in danger at any time get help.

You may also need to refer to the overcoming fear page to check how rational your fear is and how dangerous the situation really is.

If this seems difficult then now you need to work on your self BELIEF, You may need to OVERCOME YOUR FEAR, never forget that GRATITUDE is also a very big part of finding true happiness. You may need to work through these areas to be able to understand and have the confidence to create and protect your boundaries. Work through the pages you need until you have sorted out the people in your life, who are lovers and who are users,

Once you have set your boundaries and understand why you need them, Now you are well on the road to the new you.. Next you need to discover your true self. What do you really want to do with your life, and where do you want to be in five years’ time. Now you are ready to really begin your journey.

 FINDING YOUR TRUE SELF